It’s so easy to blame someone else for being blunt, unresponsive or aggressive and to take offense, but there is another way to view the dynamics in a conversation. Assume the best about other people and their intentions and refuse to take offense. The temperature of an exchange doesn’t rise unless we find ourselves in opposition to one another. Resistance is fostered when we want to assert our position more than we want to learn about someone else’s stance.
There are reasons we dismiss the ideas and opinions of others, and they can seem so indisputable to us, we don’t even consider exercising our curiosity. No matter mistaken any of us might be, there are always reasons why we believe as we do. We all need to be respected and heard.
When we feel ourselves about to correct someone, that’s a signal to try to deepen our understanding:
- We can ask about the source of their position, about how they support it.
- We can ask if they are willing to consider any other options.
- We can ask if there is anything that could encourage them to consider other options.
- We can ask how they imagine a resolution and collaboration without a shift in their position.
- We can ask them to summarize and mirror the other points of view that have been introduced in the conversation.
- We can clarify things that have been misinterpreted.
- We can ask permission to share another possibility, with the hope that they will be able to help us see how we can work together.
The point is to respect others, to honor their experience and what they have taken from their own understanding of their lives. We want to invite people into a conversation. If we already know how it should go and we are going to persist until we get that outcome, we shouldn’t pretend we are considering others.
In fairness to ourselves, we have to deal with people who are unreasonable, unkind and defensive, and we can’t do their part of making the conversation work. In these cases, we might have to impose our wisdom and strength. We don’t, however, have to lose compassion. If we feel the exchange becoming heated, we can use the breath and voice to keep ourselves in balance.
- Breathe deeply and regularly.
- Speak slowly, keeping consonants gentle.
- Use a low pitch and quiet volume.
- Smile if it is appropriate, and don’t set your jaw, purse your lips or clench your fists.
- End the exchange as quickly and cleanly as possible. Sometimes letting things sit for a while and coming back later is the best way to achieve a shift.
The art of conversation is complex, nuanced and unpredictable. Engaging others with dignity gives all of us a chance to be at our best.