I recently met a gal who, by her own account, is frequently dealing with resistance at work. She thinks it’s because she is a revolutionary thinker and challenges the status quo. I’m certain that is part of it. However, I had an opportunity to read a very telling email message she sent.
She was scheduled to attend a meeting that involved several people, most of whom had changed their work schedule and one who was driving for 2-1/2 hours to be there. Her email announced that something had come up and she would only be able to come for the first 45 minutes. As an after thought she asked if that would affect the agenda.
How differently her message would have been received had she written, “An urgent conflict has arisen, but I have worked out a compromise with the other party so that I could still come for the first 45 minutes.” And if she then had asked, “Would there be some way you could address the most essential items on the agenda first so that it could still work for us? Or can you think of something else that could work?”
I like this woman very much and when I reread the message a few times I realized she was doing her best to accommodate everyone. However, the way she announced it didn’t give all of the others being affected any voice in the matter. There was no opportunity to agree or to perhaps even improve the compromise.
Blunt, imperative messaging usually leads to ruffled feathers and, if it is a habitual way of communicating, often blossoms into an ongoing power struggle.
If it seems like people often become defensive with you, take a look at your communication style. Getting what we need goes best when we invite the people who will be affected to help work things out. If they are part of designing the solution we do not have to convince them to accept it and we do not come across as demanding, pushy or inconsiderate.
Even better, try to do it by telephone or in person so that others can hear from your tone of voice that you sincerely care about how changes affect them.